by Mike Denman

mikedenman@earthlink.net

"Keep it stock!"

"There is nothing wrong with enhancing the performance of a vintage Volvo!"

Around and around the argument goes within the classic Volvo community. I'm not sure where to weigh in on this argument. But I am going to tell you my story. A story about a Volvo gone bad -- and I'm talking real bad.

You might want to send the wife and kids out of the room before you read this tale of the dark side. Because, lurking in every Volvo owner's heart is this same siren song of desire. I'm sure you will deny it, but what owner hasn't heard its voice on the wind and in the hum of the tires? Innocently enough, it creeps into their souls as they are driving their old, reliable Volvos.

I noticed, in my own shameful case, that when the ipd catalog arrived, I was spending a lot of time perusing the performance pages. I would hurriedly put the catalog away when my wife entered the room. My eldest child found the Paeco catalog hidden in my sock drawer. Finally, over a pitcher of beer in a dimly lit bar, I confided my secret to one of my closest friends.

"I love my Volvo, but -- but she just doesn't have as much zip as she used to have," I lamented.

My friend reminded me that it was only last year that I had attached another high mileage badge to her dash.

"Has she ever let you down?" he asked.

"No," I admitted. "She is always there when I need her."

"So forget this silliness, and go home and enjoy the comfort and reliability that you have together, my friend!"

On the way home, I couldn't help noticing that the old Volvo had trouble passing a slow truck. I made up my mind! Right there, at that exact moment. I wasn't getting any younger, and I deserved more! The next morning, at work, I filled out an order blank for a Weber carburetor and manifold. I dropped it into the mailbox, drunk with anticipation. "There, I've done it," I thought.

The next week was torture until the UPS truck arrived. The driver sauntered down the driveway with my package.

"Well," he said. "I don't recall you ever getting a box from these people before." Embarassed, I snatched the bundle from his hands.

This was not to be the last encounter with the UPS driver. Like a drug addict's relationship with his dealer, I came to know the UPS driver all to well. I spent more and more time in the garage. I was having trouble explaining the large bank withdrawals to my wife. The old Volvo seemed less and less like herself. My wife finally took the kids and went to live with her mother in a trailer park. I became consumed by this lust for performance. Nothing else mattered.

At the very bottom of my despair, I awoke one morning and realized that I had lost all the things I loved -- my wife, the kids, the dog, the house, my job, my Snap-on timing light.

"How could I have done this?" I cried! I threw open the garage door. There, sitting in her slinky red lingerie, was the object of my desire. With curves in all the right place, she beckoned for me to take her.

As I approached, I noticed something that I had missed before -- Marcos. I stopped momentarily, stunned by this new discovery. Stepping back, I noticed the chrome wire wheels. "Where did the wheels come from?" I thought frantically.

It was then that I realized I had gone too far. I had bought far too many performance parts for the old Volvo. There, sitting before me, was not the trusting Volvo I once knew. There, sitting before me, was something else: a Volvo gone bad -- real bad.

Like many of the limited-production cars in England, it uses a variety of parts from various other cars. For example, the front suspension is from Triumph, while the rear axle is from a Ford Cortina. The car weighs around 1700 pounds, is 43 inches high at the roof, and is very competitive in vintage car racing. The Marcos Car Company still exists, making a modern version of this car with a big-block Ford engine, which has two teams racing in the FIA GT2 and GT3 classes, and doing very well. You can find additional information at:

I hope you have enjoyed this trip down "the other side of the tracks." Just remember: your mother was right -- but who wants to date the girls your mother likes?

Quite a while ago, we ran a "Soapbox" article on the stock-versus-modified argument. Mike checked in with an E-mail:

"I have a Marcos 1800S -- I know, you have problems of your own," it began. "This is sort of a preservationist's nightmare. Take a Volvo, remove the body, remove the chassis, remove the interior..."

You have just witnessed the results of that line of thought gone bad -- real bad.

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